Thursday, November 16, 2006

Shook Mail pt. 2

Apparently this internet giant has alot of people running scared, believeing everything it tells them.

While we speak of cyberspace, I shall refer heavily to the Matrix for the next few paragraphs.

I see the source of all the problems with email on the internet as Morpheus, your email account as the randomly ringing phone with no caller-ID and the blissfully ignorant mass of E-succlers (people that read chainletters and relay the scourges of internet bliss) as a sea of potential Neos.

Daily, the phone rings and one of the Neos answers it with that vacant Crash Bandicoot expression on his face. All of a sudden, Morpheus jumps up on his table and starts screaming monkey chant instructions at Neo via the telephone, and the fool in return covers his head and does exactly what Morpheus says.

Neo sends information to all the other gullible masses who also relay the shit fest until it crosses my path. I am an agent. A cleaning agent if you must. I am here to (hopefully) once and for all rid the internet of this garbage that is causing a massive traffic pile up on the information super highway. I am here to force a rebirth of the Matrix in a huge wave of information proliferation, starting with... ah shit, let's get to the point!

1. Paying for MSN hotmail - if Bill Gates ever in his right mind decided that MSN (the free email service for us poor niggers) could only be accessible by giving money (another thing niggas don't like to do) then he would hold a conference with media and press for you to see it on TV and hear it on the radio... and not send a personal email to your buddy in the cubicle next to you informing him of the major multi-billion dollar corporation's decision. Think about it, is the office drone 2 feet away that important?

2. Friendship Networks - if it ain't Hi5 or MySpace don't send it to me. You see, Trinidad s a democracy so popular = best. BoBo.com, Tag and BoseeBackBumbaClaut.org do not ticle my fancy.

3. My name is not Aberheim Zerkhezi- I did not invent the Blowfish Encryption or the encrytion algorithm used by the NSA or CIA. Do not send me a message that looks like it passed through an encrytion blender. Please.


I didn't get any mail like that in a while, but i'll be happy to demonstrate:

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*/84641468748497
uwg8iuw4328347th
iohrt298yt58hyefgt948
hof38yfi28h5y37ft
ruo32t07rsaeur643rtg2-
joif283475p2nvm=506
fnji32fy847yt56hg98573
dih72364y7uty938
hjwye732y5h03ujt9856
iofu423u09jky60947ug5
ruo32t07rsaeur643rtg2-
joif283475p2nvm=506

iohrt298yt58hyefgt948
fnji32fy847yt56hg98573
dih72364y7uty938


l8rs hoss!
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That was an example of a mesage I got from my buddy a while ago. I can't read that! And the worst part about it was that the message was about 4 megs in size - this was back when hotmail gave you a whopping 10 megabytes of email space. You can imagine my disgust.

4. Fuck Luck - You cannot tell me to send something on to a million people in 5 seconds or i'll lose my penis in the next coming moments. Bullshit!! Bad Luck (what I believe) is when your heavenly window of blessings temporarily closes
How about this for a bad luck threat:

Stick 4 razer blades, a pineapple and a porcupine up your ass within the next 5 minutes or your mother will die, a 3 legged donkey will piss on her grave and the swirling sands from the Desert of Lost Souls will find you, engulf you and rip the tender flesh from your brittle bones.

Can you imagine your friends send you these kinds of threats?


5. Finally, Jesus loves you no mater who you are or how many emails you forward. I firmly believe that He is not going to sit all te way up there on His throne, watch your hotmail account and say "You dare defy me!! Forward that message with the earthly representation of Me (that happens to be highly inaccurate) or you will forever burn in the pits of junk email!!!" I think He has better things to do... Unless He's bored... which he isn't. God will love you even if you delete those foolish chainletters. Those letters were started by people who wanted internet recognition among their stupid group of friends, so they compose an email that will make everybody feel guilty to delete and obligated to pass on.

Do like I do when you see them: Check th ebox next to the email> Click "Delete". I do it and I'm still here.

So please, my friends, stop sending me things that waste my time and clog my inbox. Thank you.
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