Saturday, March 31, 2007

Smelter Greece

Hey all, for all who are interested in how my weekend was, keep reading; all others... eat me.

'Twas Thursday night when the Mrs. and I descended upon the town of movies (Movie Towne) to watch the video release of Frank Miller's epic comic book tale - 300. The movie was good, but let me start by calling the casting director of the movie a home wrecker and a dark angel of male insecurities; here's why:

I'm sitting next to my girl in the movie and I find that she's rather quiet. So I turned my head and I swear to you, when I looked over at her all I saw was the rippled, greased down lower region of the male torso reflecting in her eyes - right at that moment she looked back at me and she was like "Oh my gosh, look at those SEXY abs" then she made a sound like a grunt or a purr or some kind of audible satisfaction indicator. Now, this, my friend, is a prime example of how us Trinis only like our shit imported - we don't deal with that local nonsesne. I have abs, I can grease them down (as a matter of fact I have) and I don't get compliments like that; but some Dave Navarro looking character does it and it's all sexy all of a sudden. Another thing is that if I were to prance around in leather jockey shorts with boots, a sword and a flowing red cape screaming "This is DIEGO!!!!", it will be anything bust sexy to the local lusting females. I might even get beaten down by some cops and pressed with a drug charge.

Home wrecking and imparted jealousy aside, 300 is a good film with intense action and offers something for everybody, and by everybody I mean every kind of sexual fetish imaginable -

Under aged nude girls having seizures - [X]
Overly buff man seemingly overpowering fragile female - [X]
Rape - [X]
Haunch back leather draws ass-shot [XXXXXX]

If you're not interested in any of those then what kind of freak are you? :p

So that was the movie...

Friday night arrived and a viewing of a school play was in order... but before we get to that, let's take a trip back in time.........

Two weeks ago:

This was when I was invited to the play by the Mrs. and was offered 3 tickets - one for me, one for mom and one for my sis. The ticket offer was refused because mom had a friend who had some tickets on reserve. We were still going to the play, though.

Thursday night:

The movie was finished and my mom dropped my girlfriend off at her house. Before we left the car, she asked mom if we were still coming to the play tomorrow to which my mom responded with a very vigorous and hyper active "yes". I walked my girl to her door, said goodnight and that was that.

Friday - 5:00pm

I walk in the bedroom only to hear my mother and my sister in their usual conspiracy development sessions, plotting at how to fuck up my life more (metaphorically speaking). I was under the misconception that the play started at 6 so I was about to ask mom when she was going to start to get ready, but she interrupted my question to ask my sister "when is (your boyfriend) coming to pick you up?". I took a step back, my jaw slightly ajar with disgust. Knowing my sister as being the usual traitor to the family i.e. one to put water over blood (I told you she was a fish) I just chalked it up as one of her "I'm too good to spend time with you losers" moments and just brushed it off. Shortly after, I heard mom saying that she's going to get ready for church. At this point I said to myself "what the fuck?" So I'm really confused now because I thought we had a play scheduled for viewing. I go to my mom and I ask her - "Aren't we supposed to go to the play tonight?" and then she was like "Oh shucks, I forgot to to tell you, our tickets got sold". Now audience, I'm not ashamed to say it, I'm pissing mad at this point!

Friday - 5:28pm

I call my girlfriend and in a very sheepish tone of voice asked her if she still had the tickets that she offered me a few weeks ago. Is it just me or does that request sound a bit ridiculous? Anyway, she said no, as was expected. She did tell me, however, that tickets will be sold at the venue; so I saw hope yet. She also said that she would be there by about 7:30 so that in itself was a time limit. I officially felt like that dude from 24 - I was on a mission - get to the venue, get an admission ticket and be calm and ready for her arrival OR be denied entry and slip through the crack in the exit and trudge my sad ass home before my girlfriend showed up. If I didn't get that ticket, I felt like I would have embarrassed her on so many levels... more levels than there are on Super Mario for the NES. Think about it - everybody at her school knows my face and they know that we're associated so if I were to go there all dressed up and pressed up only to be denied entry to the event then I think that that would give her some kind of label like "you is d girl who man come d play d odda day an en get een?" I would never forgive myself.


Mom dropped me at the auditorium on her way to church - the crowd is scarce - not many people there to taunt me about my blatant rejection if it came to that. I approach the entrance with bulging eyes, looking out for any ticket scalpers. None in sight.

I enter the lobby area and approach the box office. I ask for a ticket. They say they have no extras. I feel the urine escaping my bladder. I quietly take a seat and twiddle my thumbs. There was a lady next to me and like a desperate ticket whore I asked "Lady, you got any tickets? I'll wash your car, man!" She just looked at me with pitiful eyes and explained to me a strategy to score a ticket - she said that everybody who reserved tickets aren't coming and if I hung around the box office long enough I can overhear one of those such cases and swoop in and snatch the opportunity.


I stand in front of the box office, sweating like a slave in a wood shed. I make Clint Eastwood style eye contact with the admissions officer - I swore I saw her mouthing "Do you feel lucky, punk?" through the bullet proof window. I put my hands in my pocket, the blue note dancing about my fingers chanting "you'll never get to spend me, ha ha ha".


My girlfriend was nearly at the location, the admissions officer gurned at me. At this point, I was formulating how to make my disappointed exit as suave and seamless as possible, but I asked God for a miracle just one more time. At that moment, two girls walked in and stepped up to the counter. They had a ticket that was reserved but not paid for and the person would not be attending the play tonight. Breakaway slave's bliss possessed me and I just let out one of those audible satisfaction sounds, though mine sounded more like urination relief. I pasted myself up on the admission glass and shoved the money through the slot. You'd never think that a nigger would be this happy for a piece of torn bristol board.


After minutes of ticket worship and giving praises to God, I got a call from that special someone asking if I got the ticket. I replied with a very proud positive answer and hung up. Just then, I caught a glimpse of a family of four - ticket less and well dressed. If you think I was about to give up my own, then it goes to show how much you don't know me - it's every nigger for himself, bitch!


She arrives with her dad and the three of us proceeded to watch the show.

I'll tell you one thing though, when I laid eyes on her for the first time that night, I thought that the goddess of all things exceptionally beautiful and ideal, stepped down from high atop Mount Olympus herself and graced me with her presence. I felt unworthy to be in her company once more. Like the astronauts who accidentally steered into the sun, I was incinerated by her beauty and blinded - by her magnificence... her radiance. She felt unreal, and dream-like to the touch but I know I wasn't sleeping for if I were having a dream about her, her dad would definitely not be in it - I guarantee it.

Anyway... the play was good an all, something about smelting. I enjoyed it, she enjoyed it and everybody followed suit. The seating arrangement was a little.... myeah. It was me, then her then her father. To anybody else this would spell "death to the suiter" but her pops is real cool. Even though there was this one time... Hmm... I felt his eyes piercing through the darkness to find me. Being in his line of sight I could hear his telepathy, it said something like "I know what you're thinking rap scallion, you ain't tossin' no salad tonight!" It could also just be me being an ass...

Either way, that's my weekend thus far. I must leave now, however. I've got an overseas call to make to that goddess from last night - yeah I got the number. I work fast, homie ;)

Post a Comment